Gabe's Gifts

So I was blog hopping the other day and found this blog. I started scrolling thru her blog and found this following post. It really touched me and made me cry...
Amanda~
I've never blogged about this, because I have rarely talked about it. However, I knew that I wanted to do something positive. And in order to do that... I have to share my story.

Earlier this year I was pregnant. And over the moon excited. We moved so the baby could have his own room. We started buying baby stuff. We told our friends and family. We picked out a name. Everything was going well. In fact that day I had bought a new stroller. My due date? My birthday.

At the time, I was a part time manager at Gymboree. I went into work that night and came home as usual. Andy left for work when I got home (He works 3rd shift). I fell asleep on the couch, but kept having horrible dreams. Something was wrong. I prayed. Somewhere I had heard that a Mother's prayer for her children was one that GOD listened to with the most urgency. I tried to tell myself it was nothing. A few hours later I knew, I was losing our baby.

I didn't call Andy. I couldn't tell him, mostly because I couldn't say the words myself. I just laid there crying. Praying. And then yelling - I wasn't sure GOD had heard me. When Andy got home he rushed me to the hospital. We lost our little boy, Gabriel Austin Smith, on August 28.

I walked into the hospital pregnant. And later that day, I left. Childless. I was tired. I was in shock. I was sad. I was angry. I was frustrated.

Healing has been hard. Not a day goes by that I don't think of our baby. I have an extra room in our house with baby clothes hung up in the closet. My craft stuff thrown in the closet in the front room. I just can't bring myself to turn the baby's room into anything other than a baby's room. My faith was tested beyond testing. I couldn't understand. Why had GOD taken away my baby, but given babies to people who don't take care of them? And if something was wrong with my baby, why hadn't GOD just healed him? I know he has the power to do so!

I quit my job. {I was planning on quitting, but losing Gabe made me do so earlier. It killed me seeing people come in and with their babies buying the same clothes that I have hanging in his closet. Pregnant women were everywhere. And I was no longer one of them.} That's when I started blogging. It's given me some sort of refuge.

Everyone (well, a lot) of people told me, "It's ok. You're young. You can try again." I know that during a time like this people don't know what to say. But, that was not what I wanted to hear. It made me feel like I was just supposed to forget. A do over. Like how Joshua erases a mistake on his homework. I vowed that I wouldn't forget. And that I would do something -- something that would make Gabe proud. Something that when I say his name I associate it with goodness, not tragedy.

So I decided to start a blanket drive. Have you heard of Project Linus? Their mission is mission to provide love, a sense of security, warmth and comfort to children who are seriously ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need through the gifts of new, handmade blankets and afghans, lovingly created by volunteer “blanketeers.” I can't think of a better way than to honor Gabe.

Starting in January (well, you can start making one now!) Gabe's Gifts will begin. It is a year long blanket drive. Each Monday I will feature a blanket tutorial and the last Monday of each month we can host a linky party showcasing any blankets made. I am in the process of creating tags for you to print off and fill out with your blanket (including what it's made of, any special washing instructions, your name and email if you wish). As you finish your blankets I ask that you mail them to me and I will make one large donation in Gabe's name. (Also why I am making tags! I want you creative ladies to get the credit you deserve on your awesome work!) Also, if there is a special child you would like your blanket to be donated to honor please include that information with your blanket. I can't speak for everyone, but even just trying to put together this project - knowing something good will be attached to Gabe's name has helped the healing process more than I can express.

If you are a blogger and have a blanket tutorial (can be crochet, knit, how to bind, quilt patterns, sewing tutorials) and would like it featured please e-mail me.

I would also REALLY appreciate anyone taking Gabe's button (top left corner) and helping pass the word along for me! I'm hoping to have enough blankets to make the first donation on my birthday and Gabe's due date (3/14). I know that it is going to be a hard day for me and this would really help.

I know I pledge to make at least 12 blankets. One each month to donate. I hope I can count on you to help too! Thanks for reading this -- I know it's long. But I don't think you know how much I really appreciate it. :)

Any questions, comments, tutorial submissions or for my address to send in a blanket please e-mail me: amandaandandy(at)yahoo(dot)com

Okay, it's Mary again. Isn't this such a heart breaking story? Maybe it affects me so much because I've suffered losing a baby/babies as well. I think it is absolutely wonderful that she has found a way to honor the memory of her lost baby, and a way to heal thru helping others. I'm not the best sewer, but I think I might make one or two blankets to donate to Gabe's Gifts. If you want to help, just contact her.
It makes one feel good to know they are helping another person. They always say to lose yourself in the service of others. Maybe I need to 'lose myself' more and focus on helping those within my reach. It might help me heal a little myself as well. And I want to involve V. in giving service. We are so blessed and I want her to grow up with it being second nature to help those you can. I'll find a way to have her help me make a blanket or two this year to give to another child.
Maybe this can be our theme this year. Just try to help others more. I think that's a good idea. And serving others brings us closer to God. Which is also a wonderful thing. I think it's going to be a good year.

Upsetting news

Oh, I have some not-so-good news. I had another miscarriage over Memorial weekend. You remember here I talked a little bit about the blood clotting disorder I have. I said then that if I had another miscarriage, I would look into going on blood thinners. So, having had another one, I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss options. Now the thing with blood thinners is, they are a twice daily injection. I have a HUGE fear of needles. But, I said I'm willing to get poked twice a day if it can help me carry a baby full term. However, about 8 years ago I was at the hospital for an I.V. transfusion for my headaches. When the nurse went to put the i.v. needle in me, I went into a seizure and stopped breathing for a few minutes.{That experience I will never forget!} Anyway, I'd only had one other seizure up to that point that I was aware of. We did tests, but they couldn't find anything wrong, or anything causing the seizures. My doctor said they were just something that happened. Luckily, I haven't had any since, that I'm aware of. My doctor said there's a good chance I have seizures in my sleep?
So, back to the blood thinner thing, after talking with my doctor and looking at past reactions I've had to needles, she said that she wouldn't advise me to go on blood thinners. Poking myself twice a day for ....who knows how long,{until I get pregnant and thru the pregnancy}, is just too many chances for me to have a bad reaction. It might trigger more seizures, which could be deadly. So, the baby aspirin and supplements I have been taking will keep the clots small enough that I should be safe. However, there is nothing more I can do to prevent clots from terminating my pregnancies. Does that make sense?
This takes me forever to explain, I know!
I'm so sad. What am I supposed to do? If we just continue doing nothing like we have been doing and leaving it in the Lord's hands, I could just continue to miscarry. I've had 7 total. I told Steve I'm almost at the point I can't take any more. But then what do I do? In order to prevent miscarrying, I'll have to prevent getting pregnant in the first place. I don't know if I can do that. Up till now, I've just said, let whatever happen, happen. Let nature take it's course. Leave it in the Lord's hands. But if I prevent getting pregnant, that's it! We'll be done having children. I guess I keep thinking that we were given one miracle, V. And I'm waiting for another miracle. But as I said, I'm almost at the end of my rope. I don't think I can emotionally handle too many more loses.
So right now, I don't know what to do. It is a very emotional and hard to decision that I don't want to have to make. But I'm going to have to eventually...
I know this is a sad, depressing post. But this is the latest. We are looking at the good to having only one child. We'll be able to afford to give her soo much more in life than if we had a larger family. Maybe someday we'll look at adopting. But not right now. Maybe we'll be a foster family, but that would be a few years from now.

Catch up!

I'm sorry about not blogging for a few days and leaving you all hanging! I have been soo busy the last couple of days! My sister went into pre-term labor and I had her 3 year old with us for the last few days! My sister is home now, they were able to stop the labor. She will be 34 weeks along this Tuesday. So the baby should be fine when it comes, they know she will be coming soon, but it's still nerve racking! My uncle passed away and we had his funeral yesterday that I was singing at. Cleaning my house and getting beds made up for family that stayed with us{tons of fun too, I might add!}
And of course I've been busy baking desserts for Easter dinners that we've been to.
So that's my excuse for not blogging these last few days!

No, I did not make V.'s Easter dress in the last post. She helped me pick it out online. It was on sale and I had a coupon I used as well for it. Even after paying shipping, it cost the same as a Wal-mart dress would have. We got it at The Children's Place. I LOVE shopping there! Unfortunately, we don't have one close by. So I shop alot online!
I just had my 5th miscarriage. I had some blood work done and we found out I have MTHFR. A blood clotting disorder. My doctor said this disorder is one of the 2 main reasons women in this area miscarry. I can treat it with Heparin, or a daily combination of extra calcium, folic acid, vitamins b-6 and b-12, and a baby aspirin. I have opted to take the supplements and want to see if I can have a baby full term w/o taking the Heparin. Many women take Heparin while pregnant, it doesn't affect the baby. But those of you who know me, know I believe in taking as little medication as possible, especially when pregnant. If I continue to miscarry, I will go on Heparin, but I'd like to try this option first. Even w/ treating this disorder, I can still lose a baby at any point in pregnancy. All it takes is one teeny, tiny blood clot to terminate a pregnancy. And, of course, there may be other things contributing to the miscarriages. But I am hoping my chances of having a baby are better now!

Steve's sisters invited me on a girls only weekend down in Mesa, where his sister lives. It was so nice! I wasn't ready to come home yet, I just wished Steve and V. were there with me! The weather was perfect! We spent alot of times outdoors bike riding,gabbing on the patio, or jogging and such. Speaking of which, one of my goals when I started the year was to train for a 5k. I can now jog 4 miles! And I'm training for a 10k now! It's such a good feeling to accomplish a goal! Plus, I'm just a pound away for a 20 pound weight lose total! YAY! Only about 20 pounds to go to reach my goal, which is to be at a healthy weight!
Oh there is so much more to update you all on. But I think this is good enough for now!

The end of the month

This past month I have had this Thankful list on my side bar.The goal was to add something I'm thankful for each day of the month. The Month is now over so I need to remove it, but I didn't want to lose the list. Each day, as I wrote down one more thing I was thankful for, I realized how very blessed I am.
Some of you may not know that we have been trying to have another baby for about 2 1/2 years. In the last 14 months I have had three miscarriages. They have been very sad and emotional for me. But I'm so grateful that because of what the gospel teaches, I know someday I will get to meet those three little spirits that I lost. I don't know if this is the way it happens, but I choose to believe that those pregnancies were those spirits' chance for a mortal body. I believe the spirit enters a body at the moment of conception. For some reason, God took those spirits home. Maybe they were too good for this earth, I don't know. But I believe that they are now in Heaven, with Him, waiting for us. Because Steve and I have been sealed in the Temple for not only this life, but here after, any and all of our children are sealed to us. Even if I didn't carry them full term. And we will always be a family. Like I said, when it comes to miscarriages, I'm not sure how it happens and works out. But this is what I 'm believing. That those spirits aren't lost to me forever. That this was their chance to come to earth. And now they are watching over us and waiting until the day we can be reunited again. This has given me hope, so I don't despair over the failed pregnancies. I know this is not the end.
I want to thank all my family and friends. You all mean so much to me! I'm grateful I have each and every one of you in my life!
Now that I've gone off onto a different subject, the main reason for this post is so I can copy down all the things that I have written on the side bar that I'm Thankful for. Now I can come back and read it anytime, and remind myself how very blessed I am. Because I am blessed.

I give Thanks for...
1. My Savior, Jesus Christ
2. Eternal Families
3.The love of my Daughter
4.The love of my Husband
5.My home {Thankful I have a roof over my head!}
6.My husbands job
7. Being able to be a Stay-At-Home mom
8.The gift of being able to be a mother. I'm thankful the Lord has given me such a beautiful angel to be my daughter!
9. My Parents
10. Modern Medicine
11. My Talents
12. My Freedom
13. Music
14. Laughter
15. Friends
16. The gift of Sight
17. The gift of Sound
18. I know this will sound cliche, but I'm thankful for the pitter-patter of little feet! I love hearing my daughter run around the house!
19. Chocolate!
20.Our food storage
21. My wonderful Husband!
22. The Priesthood. And I'm grateful my husband is worthy to hold the Priesthood.
23. A warm bed to snuggle in!
24. Modern transportation.
25. Steve's, V.'s and my good health.
26. Memories!
27. I'm Thankful for the gospel principles I believe in. They give me such hope and comfort
28. I'm grateful for the nights I get a good nights sleep.
29. I'm Thankful that we have food. We have never had to worry about where our next meal will come from. We've always been able to provide for our family. I'm so Thankful that we can take care of our daughter.
30. Love!

Snowmen and Hot Cocoa

Well, we stayed home from church today. Nobody was really sick but..........I think I might have had another miscarriage. I'm not positive, but pretty sure. I thought I was just having a normal period this week. But then I started passing some good size blood clots. Then yesterday afternoon I started feeling sick and getting cramps. I almost had Steve take me to the hospital last night because I was bleeding VERY heavy. But then I passed another clot and the bleeding slowed down. I was afraid to go to church this morning and possibly start bleeding heavy again, so that's why we stayed home . I know, too much info! Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! But yes, I think it was a miscarriage, but I would have been barely pregnant, only four weeks. So I'm okay emotionally, very sad, but I didn't even know I was pregnant so I feel okay. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling much better and having more energy then I have had the last couple of days. We had a nice morning eating breakfast together, watching 'Miracle on 34th Street' and watching the snow fall. This afternoon I thought I would let V. out to play in the snow since she's been such a good girl the last couple of days while I was tired and she was so excited to see the snow!

We made a snowman. The first one of the season, and the snow was perfect! The balls grew so fast!

Then we finished off with a cup of Hot Cocoa and cheese and crackers! What a fun afternoon we had!

Sometimes I really struggle with how hard it is for us to have another baby. But days like today make me so grateful to have such a beautiful, healthy daughter. I love V. with all my heart. And I'm so glad she chose to come to our family. She is my angel and such a blessing in my life!

Lost Baby

Well, since I announced my pregnancy on this blog, I have something that needs to be said... I lost the baby this weekend. I'd been bleeding all week and had an ultrasound on Wed. But they said the baby was too small to see anything. So come back next week for another one. I talked to my doctor a few times this week, she said there really wasn't anything to do but wait and see what happens. So this afternoon I went to the E.R. with heavy bleeding and while there I miscarried. My doctor said she didn't think I would need a D&C, so I could go home and rest.
I'm heartbroken.We'd been trying to have a baby for a year and a half and were so excited. But I have to say that I've been stressed and worried all week about this, and I'm glad it's over now and I can move on. The Lord knows when it is our time to have another child, so we'll keep trying, and trust in Him that it will happen when it's our time. Thank you to everyone that has been there for me during this hard time.

umm... we're having two babies and a kitty?

Yes, I'm pregnant. No I don't think it's twins. When we told V. that mommy had a baby in her tummy she said,' No, two babies." Well, I told we didn't know that, so lets just say there's one baby. "No!", she said firmly," You have two babies in your tummy. "And," she added, pulling her shirt up and pointing to her own tummy," I have a kitty in my tummy!"
Interesting.... I guess we'll wait to see what happens...